|
Post by cjm on Mar 28, 2014 5:09:24 GMT
oldie
Mrs Van
Van recently visited Johannesburg.
On checking into a five star hotel, he
noticed a lusciously proportioned
young blonde leaning against a telephone kiosk,
and eyeing him somewhat provocatively. Very
casually he walked over to her, and spoke a few
inaudible words.
He returned to the desk with the girl clinging
to his arm, and they signed the register as “Mr
and Mrs Van der Merwe.”
The next morning, his business completed, he
checked out and was presented with a bill for
R100 000.
“Juslaaik, there must be some mistake,” Van
protested, “I only stayed here for one night.”
“Yes,” the clerk admitted “but your wife has
been here for three months.”
|
|
|
Post by cjm on Mar 29, 2014 8:39:34 GMT
oldie
Waitress
Van was eating lunch in a newly opened restaurant, when the waitress, Blossom by name, asked him what he thought of the new uniforms they had been issued with. They were black with white trimmings around the neck, sleeves and pockets, with the waitress’ name embroidered in white over the left breast pocket. After pirouetting, she faced Van and asked,
“Well, how do you like it?”
With a serious expression Van replied, “I like
it very much but, tell me, what are you going
to name the other one?”
|
|
|
Post by cjm on Mar 30, 2014 5:24:37 GMT
The olive
Van lurched over the bar spearing
furtively at the olive in his drink.
A dozen times the olive eluded him.
Finally Van Tonder, who had been watching
intently from the next stool, became
exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.
“Here, this is how you do it,” he said as he
neatly speared the olive.
“Big deal,” said Van, “I already had him so
tired out he couldn’t get away.”
|
|
|
Post by cjm on Apr 5, 2014 17:54:28 GMT
oldie
Terrorists
Private Van der Merwe was very keen
on killing terrorists and so after the
first three years at the border he
complained to his commanding officer that he
was becoming bored at his job as the company’s
petrol pump attendant.
“If you just give me R10,” said Van, “I’ll
show you what I can do to kill terrorists.”
Van’s commanding officer finally agreed to
let Van have his head and so he gave him the
R10, at which Van absented himself and spent
the lot on bacon. He then went into the bush
and strung the bacon all over a tree, after
which he hid himself nearby.
Sure enough a group of terrorists soon
appeared and gathered in amazement under the
bacon tree. When they were well bunched up
Van let them have it and killed them all except
one whom he took back in triumph to his
Commanding Officer. The prisoner told the
Commanding Officer that he and his colleagues
had been totally fooled by the bacon tree.
“Ag, but you see it wasn’t really a bacon
tree,” said Van. “It was really a ham bush.”
|
|
|
Post by cjm on Apr 6, 2014 5:40:17 GMT
oldie
Still
Van was outraged. He had bought a
home-made still for brewing liquor
and following a surprise raid was
arrested and found guilty of brewing illicit
liquor. The judge explained that although the
prosecution had not found any liquor, they had
found the apparatus for brewing it and that
was enough evidence.
“You might just as well convict me for rape!”
Van yelled indignantly.
The judge patiently explained that there was
no evidence that Van had committed rape.
"Ja, but I've got the apparatus!” yelled Van.
|
|
|
Post by cjm on Apr 7, 2014 6:34:26 GMT
oldie
Mothers
In the same period Van became an
enthusiastic moth collector. So he
went to the library and took out a book
called “Hints to young mothers.''
|
|
|
Post by cjm on Apr 9, 2014 17:06:13 GMT
Oldie
KGB
Van der Merwe was grilled by two KGB
agents when he expressed a wish to
join the Communist Party.
“If you had a good house would you be pre-
pared to share it with other comrades, Comrade
Van der Merwe?” they asked.
“Ja man, sure,” said Van.
“If you had a Mercedes would you share that
with other comrades?”
“Ja man, sure,” replied Van.
“And if you had a bicycle would you share
that with other comrades?”
“Nee man,” said Van.
“What, comrade Van! You would share
your house or Mercedes but not your bicycle?
Explain yourself.”
“Man, I’ve got a bicycle,” said Van.
|
|
|
Post by cjm on Apr 10, 2014 17:31:44 GMT
oldie
Dictionary
When Van was given a dictionary for his
birthday he confessed later that he
could not follow the story, but at least
each word was explained as you went along.
|
|
|
Post by cjm on Apr 13, 2014 18:00:52 GMT
oldie
Questions
Van’s young son had been acting a little
strangely lately so he took him to a
psychologist who proceeded to ask
him a few questions.
“Tell me, son,” he said pleasantly, “How
many wheels does a car have?”
The answer came promptly, “Four.”
“Very good. Now what is it that a cow has
four of that a woman has two of?”
“Legs.”
“And what does your father have that your
mother likes most?”
“Money.”
The psychologist turned to Van and said,
“You don’t have to worry about him . . . he s
fine.”
Van nodded reluctantly, “He sure is Doc, I
got the last two questions wrong myself.”
|
|
|
Post by cjm on Apr 14, 2014 5:01:32 GMT
oldie
Suicide
Schalk burst into Van’s room to find
Van standing on a chair with a rope
around his waist and the end of the
rope around the ceiling beam.
“Hey Van, what do you think you’re doing?”
said Schalk.
“I’m committing suicide,” replied Van.
“Well you’re going about it all wrong,” said
Schalk. “You’re supposed to tie the rope around your neck, not your waist.”
“Man, but I tried that yesterday and I nearly
choked.”
|
|
|
Post by cjm on Apr 16, 2014 17:26:33 GMT
oldie
Hope
Anxious wife: “Is there no hope,
doctor?”
Dr Van der Merwe: “I don’t know.
What are you hoping for?”
|
|
|
Post by cjm on Apr 18, 2014 14:35:15 GMT
The biggest Van der Merwe joke (which is not funny, really) was probably the fact that he voted in favour of the new South Africa in 1992.
|
|
Admin
Administrator
Posts: 175
|
Post by Admin on Apr 19, 2014 5:17:58 GMT
oldie
How to Hug
Van went to the library and took out a book called “How to hug.” It was only when he arrived home that he discovered that he had taken out Volume 16 of Encyclopedia Britannica.
|
|
|
Post by cjm on Apr 27, 2014 20:31:20 GMT
Van der Merwe acquired great expertise in aerodynamics by observing birds, bees and bats in flight. He experimented with artificial wings with which he jumped from cliffs and outdoor baking ovens.
Eventually he assisted the government with the development of rockets in their armaments program.
His fame spread to the USA.
At some stage Boeing was told about him. They were then trying to design a plane to compete with the supersonic French Concord, to salvage American pride. For some reason their prototypes were always losing wings in the tests. No matter what design they tried or however much they strengthened the wings, the wings always tore off at the exact same location.
In desperation they sent a delegation to SA to consult Van. He was doing fieldwork under a tree where they found him - observing sparrows decimating vineyards. He was on a retainer by the KWV to find a way of dealing with bird damage to grapes.
Somewhat taken aback by being consulted by such eminent group of engineers and scientists, he agreed to at least having a go at the problem as national honour seemed at stake both on the side of the Americans and South Africa.
A few weeks later he arrived in the US with his trusted friend and confidante, Pikkanien Blackman.
After surveying prototypes and damaged wrecks from previous crashes, he set Pikkanien to work with a hammer and punch on a line he painstakingly drew with a koki pen along the wings where the cracks usually developed, on the wings of the next test plane.
Pikkanien carefully punched holes at 3 cm distance from each other along the lines.
The test flight, in due course, took off amid much excitement and public interest and of course returned undamaged after setting one speed record after the other.
Van was feted throughout the US and his health was drunk to at length in every bar and club and strip joint. The President awarded him a medal specially created for the occasion and he also addressed a session of the General Assembly of the UN on the problems facing Africa.
The engineers and scientists were dumbfounded. The *solution* seemed contrary to every principle of science, common sense and physics. At last they could not contain their curiosity anymore.
‘Please Van’, they implored, ‘Please give us at least a hint of the principle involved’.
‘Ag, it is no great secret’, Van replied, ‘It has always struck me how toilet paper never tears along the perforated edges’.
|
|
|
Post by cjm on May 10, 2014 5:32:01 GMT
oldie
Honest Politician
''Here lies a great politician and an honest man,” read the inscription on the gravestone.
“Amazing,” said Van. “I never knew they put two bodies in one grave.”
|
|