Van der Merwe jokes - they still exist?

Also an oldie.

The doctor talks to Van's wife in the waiting room.

"It's an ugly thing, Madam," he says.

"Yes I know Doctor," she says, "but he's good with the children."

Van was shopping for black cast-iron pots in the days of the potjiekos craze.

Some of us might remember that these were called kafferpots.

As Van was a backvelder, as yet untouched by the winds sweeping Africa, he enquired about these pots by name.

The shopkeeper nearly had a fit when Van in his booming, loud voice, carried into all corners of the shop, called a spade a spade.

Hustling Van into a secluded part of the display room, he gave him a quick run down on racism, black rights and the sensitive nature of inter-race relations  in South Africa.

'Those pots, Van, ' he whispered, 'are now  called cast iron pots.'

Of course, Van had no intention of insulting anyone and took the lesson to heart. When the time came to carry his heavy load of newly acquired pots to his battered bakkie,  he looked around for assistance and with relief noticed two black shop assistants.

'Hi, mr shopkeeper, could those kaff.... errr... cast irons,  give me a hand please'.

Suicide

High atop the half-finished Jo’burg skyscraper, Koos
van der Merwe and a black from the welding crew
opened their lunch boxes at the same time.

“Fok,” Van cursed. “Another fokken boerewors roll!
Every day it’s the same thing. If I have to eat one
more boerewors roll, I’ll kill myself!”

“Hau, sheet,” Sipho swore, looking into his
lunch box. “Pap and gravy. If I have to eat more pap
and gravy tomorrow, I’ll kill myself!”

The next day, they opened their lunch boxes. Van
found a boerewors roll inside his lunch box and leapt
off the building. The black dude got more pap and
gravy, and he jumped off too.

Later, at the funerals, the two men’s wives com-
forted each other in their misery. '

“Ehh, if only I had known, eh, that, eh, Sipho
deedn’t like pap and gravy, the black guy’s wife
cried, “eh, I would have, eh, made him something
else.”

“Ja, ag, it’s very sad,” the Van's wife, Sannie,
sobbed, “but I don’t know what I could have done.
Koos always packed his own lunch box.”

Gewysig en uitgebrei! 


Die fiets

Enkele jare gelede het Lance Armstrong vir die Tour de France in SA geoefen om die wakende oog van die media te ontsnap. Die bergklim-dele het hy in die passe gedoen en dan die vlakte-renne (om te oefen om oor die wenstreep te jaag) in die Karoo.
So gebeur dit dan dat hy êrens tussen Victoria-Wes en Laingsburg op 'n warm namiddag tou opgooi.  Sy ondersteuningspan was reeds by 'n hotel waar hulle op hom gewag het om sy massering te doen.

In die verte sien hy 'n Porche aankom teen 'n helse spoed. Hy vloog die pad in en beduie woes vir die bestuurder om stil te hou.

“Magtig man”, sê Van, toe hy met skreeuende remme tot stilstand kom. “Amper ry ek jou jou vrek. Wat makeer jou, wat is die krisis?”

Van had 'n groot beesplaas in die Noorde en daardie tyd het die regering nog goed na die landbouers gekyk.

Lance verduidelik dat hy nie gewoond aan die Karoo-son is nie en dat hy sal doodgaan as hy nie vinning by die beskawing en sy bloedoortappings uitkom nie. Van, soos kenmerkend van die gasvrye boere-nasie, kry die arme rooigebrande man jammer. Daar is net een probleem. Die fiets laai hy nie in sy kar nie. Daar is hoeka nie veel plek langs die pitbull nie nie. Lance verduidelik dat so 'n fiets meer kos as hoeveel Porche'e. Fiets moet saam, maar Van is onverbiddelik. Hy maak nie van sy kar 'n asblik nie.

Oplossing: Boer maak 'n plan en met Van se varktou word die fiets op sleeptou geneem. Lance is nie heeltemal gelukkig nie, maar daar is nie 'n ander uitkoms nie.

“As ek dalk te vinnig ry lui jy net die klokkie”, sê Van en daar gaan hulle.

Die eerste ruk gaan stadig, maar goed. Van luister  na “So maak mens” met Jan en Esmé op Springbok om die verveling hok te slaan.

Ongelukkig verskyn 'n voertuig uit die niet wat met 'n vieslike spoed by hulle verbygaan. Dit is Sarel vd Merwe, Van se neef, wat 'n nuwe Toyota uittoets vir 'n tydren. Die twee neefs is hoeka haaks. Dit kan Van darem nie toelaat dat 'n Toyota by hom verbygaan nie en daar trek hy: Oop ketel. Van arme Lance op sleeptou het hy skoon vergeet. Gelukkig kan die man darem goed fietsry.

Op dié stadium sit Tony Ehrenreich en dut onder 'n peperboom langs die pad. Hy is besig om by die plase om te gaan om lede vir MK te werf.

Die prosessie gaan teen 'n helse spoed by hom verby. Verboureerd bel hy Marius Fransman besig in die slaapkamers by  die Royal Hotel in Beaufort-Wes.

“Hemel comrade”, hyg hy, “Ons sal iets moet doen dat die boere nie allerhande idees by die Amerikaners kry nie. Ek sien nou hier 'n verskriklike ding. 'n Toyota sonder nommerplate gaan hier by my verby teen 'n vreeslike spoed. Agter hom is 'n Porche met die ongeskikte boer in wat my vanoggend van sy plaas weggejaag het. Dié mik-mik om by die Toyota te wil verby. Die ergste is dat Lance Armstrong net 'n kort kop agter hulle is en sy klokkie vir die vale lui om verby te gaan. As hy die army help afrig, is ons verlore.”

Declaring war on the US (wb)

Barack Obama was sitting in his office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Howzit, Barack!" a voice in broken English said. "This is Koos Vannermerwe here from the Doringboom Bar in Welkom , South Africa . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you, boet!"

"Well, Koos," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Koos, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Jan, my next-door neighbour Lang Hannes, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight of us!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Blikkiesfontein!" said Koos. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Koos called again."Barack, my china, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Koos?" Barack asked.

"Well, we have four Hilux double-cabs, two kombis, an old Case bulldozer, and Vet Gert's John Deere tractor".

Barack sighed. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1,5 million since we last spoke."

"Liewe erdvark!" said Koos. "I'll have to get back to you..." Sure enough, Koos rang again the next day. "Barack, ou swaer, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Doepie's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four okes from the Virginia Hengelklub have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Koos, I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Slaat my dood!", said Koos, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Koos called again the next day. "Jis, jis, jis, Barack! I am sorry to tell you that we've had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Koos, "we've all had a long chat over some klippies and coke, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!"